Growing up I was always afraid to leave my mom over night or for long periods of time, why? Because I feared something bad would happen to her or she would die and I wouldnt be there with her. I had absolutely no reason to think those thoughts. None at all. As I grew up, that fear didn’t haunt me like it used to and eventually, my mind didn’t dwell on it anymore.
But then, I became pregnant with my son, and that fear came rushing back like it hadn‘t left at all. The whole time I was pregnant, I feared every ache and pain and thought I would for sure lose my son. But at 38 weeks I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
The fear is over, right? He’s here, he’s healthy, I have nothing left to fear.
Wrong, I feared more of his death than ever before, once again I had no reason to believe he was going to die. But I feared it anyways. Every time he got sick, I got sick with fear, anxiety, and panic. Then he was diagnosed with asthma, great, now my fear is much worse than before. As time went on, the fear faded but it’s always in the back of my mind, every cough, fever, or belly ache, it creeps in like a thief in the night.
Naturally, and obviously when I became pregnant with Elliott, from the moment I found out, I feared having a miscarriage or her dying. I hated my mind worked this way, no matter how much I prayed against it or rebuked it, that fear was so overwhelming and paralyzing. I had no control. I would count down the days to the next doctors appointment sure enough they would tell me she’s gone, there is no baby. But finally that magically 12 week mark had come and gone and she was still growing inside me with a strong heartbeat. So surely, I could have a little peace now. And I did.
But than at 16 weeks, my most darkest, hideous, and deepest fear was now going to be forever a part of my life. I was staring at my fear face to face. My daughter would did before me. Only a miracle would save her. But if saving her is not Gods plan, then fear would have its way with my life.
The more and more I thought about why I feared what I did is because the devil knows exactly where to attack us. He knows exactly what can destroy us. He uses what we love most to plague our lives. He knew my family, my kids, are what I love most. They are what I live for. So why not harvest that with fear of losing them? He knows he can and that I will allow him too. He knows I have no strength to overcome it. Or at least he thought, and so did I.
It it hit me like a ton of bricks, that I am truly living a fear that has haunted me my entire life, but why isn’t it killing me like I thought it would? Why isn’t it taking over my entire being, my entire life like I believed it would? Because of the Lord, and my family. The Lord has given me such a peace, and an understanding that I myself never thought would ever be possible.
Don‘t get me wrong, I hate that my daughter won’t get to be on this earth with me. I hate I won’t get to watch her grow and share this life with her. This is a pain and suffering I have never felt and pray I never have to experience again. Sometimes the hurt and the pain is so paralyzing and so powerful, I wonder if I can keep going. If I can make it any further. My heart longs for her.
But at the end of the day, the Lord has given me a strength I never knew existed. He has given me eyes to see things in a whole new perspective. He has entailed in me everything I need to keep going till she goes home to Him. But something I am so thankful for, is he has given me a love for her, even if we never meet her alive outside of my body, that can never be forgotten or replaced. A love so different from all the rest that I am blessed to have experienced it. He reminds me that she is and will always be our daughter.
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