Supposed to be but Instead

Today was supposed to be my baby shower but instead I’ve picked a headstone and got a phone call about donating her organs.

How screwed up is that?

I used to feel peace about it all but now I find myself so damn angry. I keep praying for a miracle and I won’t stop but instead her diagnosis hasn’t changed.

Why, Lord?

Am I even allowed to ask why? Where has my peace gone? What do I say when there’s nothing left to say?

Where is the beauty from pain? The beauty from ashes?

I’m exhausted & I’m out of words.