So, before we get into the heavy stuff let me tell you a little about me. I have been married for almost 7 years. My husband and I have a six year old little boy. He is his momma made over. I work for my family at our business. We all work together, live next to each other, go to church together, and even vacation together. As you can could probably already guess, we are a very close family.
A little over a year ago my husband and I decided we would try for a second child. Within a month, we were pregnant! But sadly five weeks later, I had a miscarriage. It wasn’t easy and it hurt but we weren’t going to give up.
We waited a year before trying again. Three months after stopping birth control, guess what?! We were pregnant! We were so excited but scared at the same time. After finally seeing our baby on the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat we decided to let everyone know. Our son was so excited! And so was everyone else.
At 15 weeks pregnant we found out we were having a girl! I absolutely couldn’t wait! Finally, I get to buy pink and girl stuff! Don’t get me wrong, I love buying my son things but buying something other than ninja turtles was due. The very next day my mom and I went shopping for clothes, blankets, and decorations for her room. Than we bought her a crib, bedding, swing and pac-n-play. I had even created an amazon wish list! I was ready!
But this excitement was short lived. On 1/31/19, two weeks later I found myself sitting in the ER with my husband after experiencing bleeding at home. I instantly thought we were losing her. They took us back for an ultrasound, I was scared. I was scared of what I wouldn’t see or hear. But, there she was. She was moving and her little heart was strong. I felt so relieved. I told the ultrasound tech, that we had been told she was a girl and that her name was Elliott. Elliott Ruelisha Cole, to be exact. So the tech checked for us and confirmed she was infact, a girl!
After getting back to our bed, as we waited for the doctor to come see us, I felt everything was fine and he was going to come tell us to go home. The nurse came in to check my vitals, my bleeding has stopped and I was ready to get back home to my boy.
Finally, after waiting what felt like forever, the doctor came in. He waited for the nurse to leave. He then proceeded to close the curtain and sit down. And in that moment I knew something wasn’t right. He said she had a birth defect. I thought okay, she’s missing an arm or leg, that’s fine. It’s something she can live with. But he said she has Exencephaly, a fatal birth defect where the skull and brain doesn’t fully form.
I didn’t hear anything he said after that. Time stood still and everything went silent. He asked if there was anything else he could do, I told him no and that I just wanted to go home. I wanted my mom.
Her diagnosis was confirmed, twice, about five days later. Of course I had options they said but to me there were no options, she is my daughter, and she is very much alive in me. So I chose to carry her for as long as the Lord will allow me. I’m her mother, I can’t give up on her. I’ve got to fight for her, and live for her. No matter the outcome she is my daughter. She always will be. Her story isn’t over yet.
Below is something I wrote the day after we found out. It’s raw and it’s the words I couldn’t find a way to say.
I’ll never forget seeing the bad news on the doctors face before the words ever left his mouth. I’ll never forget the sound of the hospital curtain closing as it slid across the metal track. Why is he sitting down I thought? Don’t sit down because that means he’s going to tell me something bad. And I don’t want to hear bad news. He was supposed to give me good news. I heard him, but I didn’t really hear him. Fatal birth defect? My child, my unborn baby, my daughter? Do I have any questions for him he asked. No, I didn’t. I just wanted to go home and be with my son. My healthy, 6 year old baby boy, who I have to live for. He’s the reason I’ve got to pick myself and keep going.
I never thought that I would have to make a decisions like this. I never thought I’d have to plan for the possibility of burying a child. My child. Stuff like this just doesn’t happen to me. You only read about it on Facebook. It only happens to other people. Not me. Not us. Not our baby. I was wrong. It was happening to me. It was happening to us. And it was happening to our baby.
Options the doctor said. What options? There are no options. I am going to carry her for as long as the Lord allows me and I’m going to cherish any time I may get with her. It’s not my place to play God. I’m not going to end her life before her time. Why me, I keeping asking. If there is a God, where is He? That’s how I honestly felt. I felt like I was enduring the cruelest form of punishment. What had I done to deserve this? Why give me something Lord to just take it away? How does a mother continue to carry her child, feel her movements, know she’s growing as my belly got bigger, continue to feel all the normal pregnancy symptoms and pains, but knowing after she’s born I will more then likely come home empty handed. So why do it? For her, I do it for her. I can’t take her chance at life away. Even if life is a few minutes.
I know I’m not at fault, I know the Lord isn’t doing this to me but my head and anger needed, wanted, and desired to blame someone. But I know, for whatever reason that I can not seem to understand, this is supposed to happen to me. The Lord did not allow this. He will not give us more than we can handle. He is with me. I keep thinking of the clothes we had bought her, the pacifiers, the swing, and the baby bed. It physically hurt at the thought that they would never get used. I keep thinking of all the things I’ll never get to do with her that I was so anxiously waiting to do.
I have never felt a pain so deep. I could physically feel the aches in my heart, and the pain all the way through my bones. It hurt to move, breathe even. But in the end, I am her hope, her strength, and whether or not she gets to stay on earth with us by a miracle or if she goes to be with the Lord, she is still our daughter. I love her. I loved her before I ever saw her on that first ultrasound. I talked to her and still do. She deserves a fighting chance and that is exactly what I’m going to give her.
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